We don’t have high expectations, do we?

Homeschooling families are a diverse bunch. Each homeschool holds to its own specific combination of philosophy, priorities and outcomes. Each of us prefers to read certain types of literature. Some put a high value on music education, while for some, the scientific method rules the roost. We all look to round our children, but let’s face it, we have our preferences… As a matter of fact, these preferences usually drive the decision to homeschool in the first place.

In spite of our differences in technique, we do have much in common. If there is one theme that runs through every conversation I have with homeschooling families (moms and dads), it is the desire to raise children who exhibit honorable character traits in both their personal and professional lives. I love talking to like-minded people who place so much value on this piece of their children’s developing minds and hearts.

But…

Once we get past discussing our mutual commitment to character training, the conversation often drifts into frustration. Parents today, homeschooling or not, know the end result they seek, but they have no road map.

In times past, for good or otherwise, young people learned how to train their children from their parents. Your household had rules, which generally aligned with the rules in other households. You knew what would fly (going to a ball game with a friend’s family) and what wouldn’t (going to a party at a friend’s house – where their parents wouldn’t be there.)

Today’s families are often operating on a drifting foundation. Many parents are still trying to get their arms around their own belief system… they haven’t shaped their own thinking. Is it then any wonder that they don’t feel capable or qualified to teach their children about what is good and right?

Confusing? Yup… but also a significant opportunity!

Homeschooling is the perfect environment for us to hone our own character while we do the same for our children.

Three things to keep in mind:

1) No matter how far behind you feel, you are still ahead of your kids. Take comfort in knowing that you have experiences that have taught you the good and right. Take those as a starting point and work from there.

2) Ancora imparo – “I am still learning”. This is my life’s motto… I find it encouraging that no matter where we are in life, we still get to learn and grow. We never have to be stagnant. Work on your own development alongside your children. They will respect you and your values more when they see how thoughtful you are about your own character.

3) You have resources… use them. Use curriculum if you need some guidance. Or, you can try a more expository approach to character training. Word study is a tool I use for my own research, learning, as well as Bible study.

My hope for you is renewed confidence in your ability to train your children up in integrity. Later this month, we will talk a little bit more about word study as a framework to train your children’s hearts while you build their brains.

I also want to send a big shout out to our friend Kristin Franke at Home Sweet Life… she won a copy of Little Pilgrim’s Progress in our April giveaway!

Congratulations, Kristin!

I realized that intention can be stopped dead in its tracks when attention isn't given to making the destination a little more concrete.  

So, we are going to try something a little different today.

We are going to walk a day in the shoes of a family that exemplifies what the majority of us would probably see as desirable traits.  Cheerfulness, attentiveness, honor, respect, generosity of spirit, perseverance, diligence, and self-control, are evident in our model family's daily life and their interactions with each other.

We'll call them the Noble Family – pun intended:-)

Rise and Shine

The Nobles are up relatively early, even though each member of the family has their own little routine. Mom is usually up first, has some quiet time (and of course, coffee) before the house comes alive.  Dad is up soon after, gives Mom a cheerful, if drowsy, "Good morning" and gets ready for work.  The kids start to come alive – one by one – and head down for breakfast.  Some are a little more animated than others at this time of day, but everyone respects each other's space.  The morning people are thoughtful enough to refrain from boisterous discussion, and the not-so-morning people are civil enough to greet everyone with a cheerful demeanor.

Homeschool Time

After breakfast is cleaned up, showers are taken, and teeth are brushed, it's time to get cracking on some schoolwork.  Mom has given each of the kids their planner for the week, and she's marked which items are independent work and which require her presence.  

Homeschool time usually starts with a read-aloud that the whole family can enjoy.  Today, it's Professor Mom's new reprint of "Five Little Peppers and How They Grew" (I know, shameless plug, but really – those little Pepper children really make my kids smile!) 

Afterwards, everyone head to different parts of the house to do some independent work, while Mom does some work of her own. No crabbing, no whining.  If someone thinks their math assignment is too long, Mom doesn't yell or nag.  She simply hands them another page.  The Noble kids already know that when they shirk their responsibilities, their mother and father believe they need more practice:-) 

Glitch

Everything is moving along nicely until Mom realizes that she forgot to pick up groceries (I know I can relate) and now she doesn't have anything to make for dinner.  Instead of getting irritable, she reminds herself that, while meal planning isn't her strong suit, she is getting better.  Then, she packs everyone into the car and heads to the grocery store. 

Are you imagining kids whining for snacks and teens rolling their eyes?  Not here.  You see, Mom and Dad trained the kids from a very early age that they don't ask for things at the store unless they make the request before they get there.  If the answer is no, they know better than to ask again.  Mom and Dad Noble hold to the theory that if you whine for something, you must have too much already.  Something else that you enjoy will have to go away until your attitude of gratitude returns.

Dinner Time

We already know that Mom is a little challenged when it comes to dinner prep.  However, when Dad comes home and sees that dinner isn't quite ready, instead of crabbing or hiding in front of the TV, he gives her a kiss and offers to pitch in – either with dinner or with the kids.  Mom tells Dad that she will glady take him up on the offer, as long as he takes a few minutes of peace first so he can process his day and wind down.

When everyone heads to the dinner table, the kids tell Dad about the emergency shopping trip and they all get a good laugh at how the best-laid plans…

Each person takes care of clearing his or her own dishes, and whoever is responsible for that night's kitchen clean-up duty gets to work.  If they need to be reminded more than once, then they get to keep that job for a while.  This helps them to remember that everyone has chores so that the household runs smoothly.

The Evening

It's time to wind down.  Mom and Dad laugh at how, no matter what size house they move into, everyone seems to gravitate together within a six-foot radius.  Some are reading, some are playing with legos, others are listening to music.  Even the cat is in on the act.  As they each go about their own interests, they share little anecdotes or jokes or pop over for a hug.  The TV isn't on (that's only for carefully chosen movies or videos.)  Mom and Dad figured out a long time ago that TV – while useful for many things – really is a big time vacuum.  They also know that most of what is on TV is really undoing all of the good habits and attitudes that they have worked so hard to instill in their children.

As the evening wears on, bedtime rolls around.  Again, everyone knows what is expected, so there is no battle.  When rebellion started as toddlers, Mom and Dad simply let the kids know that if they were fighting bedtime, they must be overtired.  The solution – go to bed even earlier.

Now, though, it's just a nice good night, maybe a story with Dad, and read in bed until lights out.  This way, Mom and Dad get some time to talk over household business or just have some time together.

____________

So, there you have it.  A day in the life of the Noble family.  If you are sitting at your computer reading this and thinking that Professor Mom must have lost her last marble, I can assure you that – while this family certainly isn't the norm – it is definitely doable. 

Did you notice that much of the reason that the day goes smoothly is because of how this family utilizes self-control, appropriate consequences, and other-focused thinking?  Next time, we'll explore those two keys to pleasant family interactions in a little more detail. 

Really, really important.

Bedrock of society.

Foundation of the culture.

Cornerstone of the future.

Have I mentioned really, really important?

Over the last century, the place of family in society has shifted from that of bedrock (or foundation or cornerstone) to something nice to have, kind of like dessert after a meal.  That's a good analogy, really, because we see it as something we should be able to enjoy.  We work hard enough, you know.  And, then there are things that eat up all of our time, like work, the gym and – yes, I'll say it – football.  (Couldn't help it… I live in Packerland;-)  Family stuff is nice, but we need to do all of the important stuff first, right?

Ok, that's a little cold.  But, I know people who feel this way, even if they won't verbalize it quite so cynically.  They are overwhelmed with everything life is throwing at them.  If their families don't put up with this type of prioritizing, they either leave the family or they check out.  I will, however, let you in on a little secret…

Most of them don't really want to live like that.  Most of them want to be anchors for their mates and sages for their children.  They want to frolic and train and teach and guide.  They dream of meaningful discussions, fits of hilarity, and moments spent sitting in front of a fire telling old stories that aren't really funny to anyone but the people in that room.  What they don't realize is that the only thing standing in their way is knowledge (and a little self-sacrifice.)

One of the (many) values that drew Scott and I together was the desire to intentionally create our family.  We had our kids somewhat later than many.  That delay gave us a whole lot of time to watch and learn.  We learned a great deal… of what we didn't want to be.  Snotty passive aggressive spousal interactions made us cringe.  And, whining, ungrateful, selfish, jaded children weren't really at the top of our list either.  We started to get a little bit frightened because we saw so little of what we did want.  Where were the families that we could look up to and learn from?

Gratefully, we did find some.  But, all of that searching made us realize that something is missing as young people shift from single to married with children.  The desire to have a committed, happy and loving family is there.  Unfortunately, the knowledge is not. 

So, over the next month, Professor Mom is going to be talking about what it means to intentionally create your family, with a focus on traits such as commitment, perseverance, self-sacrifice, humor, joy, willingness, honesty and a good work ethic.  We'll take a look at a "day in the life" of that family.  It won't be all roses and happy faces, no family goes through life in a bubble.  But, some families have the tools they need to get through the good and the bad, and that is where we are going to set our sights!

True to the Old Flag, by beloved author, G. A. Henty, is a tale of the American Revolution, respectfully told from the unusual perspective of a young British loyalist.  I found this to be an excellent addition to our study of the American Revolution/Colonial America time period.

If you are not familiar with the Historical Homeschooling Series, see my post on The Dragon and the Raven, another Henty title in the series.

How do we order?

To celebrate the launch of this title in the Historical Homeschooling Series, "True to the Old Flag" is on sale for only $9.99!  Simply click here to go to the "True to the Old Flag" page in the Professor Mom store.

SO EXCITING!

After months of planning, I am absolutely thrilled to announce the release of the first title in Professor Mom's^® Historical Homeschooling Series^™!

I fell in love with George Alfred Henty's books a few years ago, when I stumbled on "The Dragon and The Raven" as I was putting together reading lists for our medieval times study.  Since then, the boys and I have read many of these terrific works of juvenile fiction.  Henty has such a knack for bringing history to life while integrating a personal, character-building story that appeals to all ages in a manner that is truly timeless.

What is a Henty book?

Henty wrote his books with an eye on giving boys something to aspire to.  He used history as the medium for lessons in honor, courage, and humility.  By weaving the lives of his fictional characters into the lives of historical greats, readers get a glimpse into the past, while developing a keen sense of who they want to be in the future.

Some of the best features of his books involve the portrayal of family relations, and respect for the wisdom of others.  He makes the reader mindful of how our culture has distorted what family was intended to be by showing us a better path.

I have kept this edition faithful to the original text, which some readers may find challenging at first.  After a few pages, though, the rich language and vibrant mental pictures that Henty draws compensate for the more 'old-fashioned' writing style. 

Why am I republishing this work?

Some books were simply not meant to be lost to the sands of time.  With the derth of quality reading material currently on the market for young people, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get these works into the hands of other homeschoolers.  My goal was to create a series that was affordable and accessible, so that Henty, and other authors of his caliber, can be an easy and beloved addition to any homeschool family's library.

What will be included in Professor Mom's^® Historical Homeschooling Series^™?

I am already working on the next title, which will be another Henty book, this time set during the American Revolution.  "True to the Old Flag" will be an interesting addition to any homeschool history program because it respectfully tells the story from the British perspective. 

Other titles will be added to the series based on three criteria:

• Historical significance and richness
• Character building potential, and
• Literary quality

To stay up-to-date on our latest offerings, as well as to receive free tips, strategies and resources for your homeschool, subscribe to my newsletter, Authentic Home Education. 

How do we order?

To celebrate the launch of the Historical Homeschooling Series, "The Dragon and The Raven" is on sale for only $9.99!  Simply click here to go directly to "The Dragon and The Raven" page in the Professor Mom store.  (Professor Dad will be standing by to help fulfill orders; I think he is more excited than I am.  He loves what Henty teaches the kids!)

As for online purchasing, security is a huge deal, so I have protected the store with an SSL certificate.  Currently, the Professor Mom store takes only PayPal, however, if we get enough feedback from y'all, we will work on adding a Visa/Mastercard option as well!  (And, you can always use your Visa or Mastercard through your PayPal account.)

One more thing…

As many of you are already aware, we have been working on a site redesign.  I It is prettier than it was, but we are still tweaking some areas. 

As always, if you have feedback or there are topics which you'd like me to cover in more depth, just drop me a comment, a tweet or an email.  I love hearing from you ladies… you bring a smile to my face every day!

New things, fresh things… can't you just feel spring in the air!

The other day, I was talking with a discouraged homeschooling mom.  She and her husband homeschool  because they want to raise faithful, honorable, educated children.  To that end, they want to make Bible education a priority.  Unfortunately, they are only just now developing their own knowledge of the Bible.  Neither of them grew up studying the Bible, and the idea of teaching it to their children is intimidating.  As she said, "I have no problem teaching math or reading.  I know those subjects.  But, I grew up in a church that put zero emphasis on Bible study.  My husband was the same.  We have been trying to study more ourselves, but the responsibility for the faith lives of our kids seems overwhelming when we feel so unequipped."

Do you ever feel this way?  Has Bible education been side-lined until you can find the "right" curriculum or until you "know enough"?  Maybe you simply need permission to look at this from a different angle.

First of all, Bible education in your homeschool isn't rocket science.  God made His Word accessible to those who seek Him.  I'm going to be very honest with you.  When I spoke with this woman, the first thing I felt was empathy.  I have also felt completely unequipped in this area.  It has only been in the last 10 years that I really started studying the Bible in earnest.  I didn't even know how.  But once I decided on a method and committed the time, I was amazed at how much my study enriched my day-to-day life.  I still don't understand everything in the Bible.  Does anyone this side of heaven?  I choose to see that as a plus… there's always something new to learn.  Isn't that part of what homeschooling is all about?

Second, while there are many resources out there, realize that they are all tools to help you focus on one thing… the Bible.  Don't be overwhelmed by the curriculum and study guides and book options you come across.  If you'd like a template, seek one with a philosophy that fits for your family and use it as a tool.  My criteria are: 1) no Bible "lite," meaning I am not crazy about programs that are heavy on the arts and crafts and lite on Bible reading. 2) Facts before feelings.  I get frustrated with programs that ask young children how they "feel" about Bible passages.  Feelings rooted in themselves are highly unreliable.  I want my children to focus their efforts at thorough understanding first. 3) Historical context for illumination.  The Bible was written from a perspective and in a time about which many of us know next to nothing.  I look for concordances and footnotes and commentary that shed light on the 'why' in addition to the 'what.' 

Third, real Bible study can be most productive with only the Word of God and possibly a few tools.  You don't need every Bible study guide known to man.  Simply, make sure you have your Bible at hand and read to your children directly.  Even if your curriculum provides you with the text, I would skip it and go straight to God's Word.  Your children will begin to realize that the Book is more than just a book.  Get a good concordance, commentary, Bible dictionary and maybe a book of historical maps to help your kids see the political and geographical landscape of the Bible.  That's all you really need to draw your children deep into the subject.

Fourth, the model of your faith is more important to your children than your familiarity with Hebrew or Greek.  When you demonstrate that you are still learning, this will motivate your children as well.  When I have my quiet time each morning, my son will sometimes sit next to me and read from his Discoverer's Bible.  An example, even an imperfect one, has more impact that you can imagine.

I realize that parents today, more often than not, forget that they are to be models of wisdom to their children.  We see this everyday in adults that never seem to want to grow up.  But, for those of you who are worried that you haven't got enough wisdom, I just want to remind you that the impact of God's Word on the life of your children comes to them through the Holy Spirit.  God will get to them with you, through you and often, in spite of you:-)  So, take heart and teach them.  He promises to come alongside you in your calling as a parent. 

Next time, we'll get into more detail on specific how to's and other resources for Bible education.

Photo by Kym McLeod, www.gisministry.org

Today, I am going to share 3 different scenarios of what purpose looks like in the life of real kids.  I have intentionally avoided stories that you will see in newspapers (i.e., 6-year-old Raises $3M By Singing on Streetcorner) not because these are not worthy stories, but because I think it's critical for you to see that purpose looks different to each child and each family.  We are not always called to what I call 'loud' purposes.  Some of the quietest things we do can make an impact we may never see.  Some of our biggest challenges may not even affect others all that much, but will change who we are inside.  Those changes add up to quality actions that reverberate throughout the family, community and world.  Lofty thoughts?  Maybe, but definitely worth mulling.

We know purpose is instrumental in turning children away from the easy and the lazy, and toward the hard and the worthwhile.  So, how do we guide them?  What is 'meaningful work,' anyway?

Meaningful work looks slightly different at different ages.  Our job as parents is to develop in wisdom.  We can then help our children understand the difference between selfish goals and edifying goals.  We can show them how to shoot high, while still retaining a grip on reality.  We can give them the moral, spiritual and physical tools they need as a foundation for pursuing their purpose.

I think some examples will clarify this a bit.  These are real life stories about three different age segments.  Feel free to share your own stories in the comments.

Pre-school Sticking Power

When my youngest son was just barely four, he really wanted to learn to ride a bike – no training wheels – along with his big brother.  They did everything together, and he didn't want to be left in the dust.  Now, I will be honest, I wasn't all that on board with this idea.  A trip to the emergency room wasn't high on my to do list that day.  However, this is our 'challenging child' and he was relatively coordinated, so I was curious to see what he would do if we let him.  Professor Dad, aka Scott, was just as curious as I was.  We gave him a helmet, told him what to do, and ran with him once or twice.  At that point, we heard the age-old, "Can I do it myself?  I don't need any help." (Anyone else?!)  OK.  We sat down in the front yard to watch. 

That little guy fell down 85 times!  No, that is not a typo.  85 times he dumped that bike, and each time he got back on and tried again.  Sure enough, he taught himself to ride without training wheels that day!  As painful as this was to watch, I realized something that day.  Even the little ones can do mighty things if they are working with a purpose and given the right tools.  He had his goal, appropriate guidance from us, and the bike.  Did he hurt himself?  Yup.  But, that lesson in perseverance was worth all the scraped knees and mommy pain in the world.

School-Age Savvy

A young lady I know, age 11 at the time, was determined to start babysitting.  She is a homeschooler and lives out of town.  She had to be creative to grow a real babysitting business.  She decided to provide free babysitting during our homeschool group's Boy Scout/Cub Scout meetings.  Parents who volunteer during the meetings could leave their younger ones with her while they helped the scouts.  She didn't just stick these kids in a room and stare at them.  She lined up activities, brought snacks (after asking about allergies), and gave each parent an individualized info sheet on what their child did that night.  She was smart enough to add her contact information to that sheet letting everyone know that she was also available to sit at other times.  She was humble enough to know that to reach her goal, she would have to prove herself trustworthy.  She was patient enough to realize that this wouldn't happen overnight.  The result?  Not only did she get jobs from her efforts, she also has the respect and gratitude of every parent in that group, including me.

Middlers Ministry

Our church has a group of young people who decided a few years ago to start a puppet ministry.  A couple of adults provide oversight, but these kids had to raise funds for puppets, lighting, and staging – none of which is inexpensive.  They have to practice often which involves a great deal of teamwork to get the puppets all talking at the correct times.  They set up venues so they can share their faith, and they go to competitions to keep their skills sharp.  Most under the age of 15, this purpose has given them grown-up qualities and experiences that will last them all of their lives.

None of these examples have been taken from the annals of history, however, I could give you scores of those as well.  Why?  Because expectations of young people were far higher years ago than they are now.  Even the George Washingtons were not 'exceptional' children.  They were everyday kids who were given the key to moving forward… purpose.

I encourage you to look for opportunities like these.  In a very young child, it may be a simple as giving them the paper when they want to create a 'book' on all of the animals at the zoo.  As they get older, they may feel driven to raise funds for their scout troop with door-to-door sales.  By the time they are 11, they can help plan a family mission trip. 

Many parents expect that greatness will manifest itself naturally in their children, but they have it backward.  By teaching kids to seek purpose and giving them a heart for the good and true and beautiful, they create the environment for greatness to grow.

Remember, children are sparks.  Stoke those fires so that when they hit their teen years, they have become so able that they can't even imagine choosing mediocrity.

Image by Kriss Szkurlatowski

His parents are worried that Michael is going to become a young man who never really leaves childhood.  They look to the future and are haunted by the image of a 24-year-old who hasn't yet left home, a 30-year-old still playing video games, or a 40-year-old who centers entire seasons around sporting events at the expense of his family.

Some readers are thinking, "But, he's only nine years old!  What more do you expect?!" 

Exactly.

What do we expect?  I suspect if we were to poll parents, we would see that many do not have a whole lot of expectations of their children.  The reason?  Why, they are only kids, of course!  When they get to high school THEN they need to start thinking about more responsibility, about the bigger issues of life.  Maybe even college.  Aw, heck, college should be fun.  They have years before they need to really knuckle down and do something meaningful.

I say that's garbage.  It's a copout.  It shows selfish and faulty thinking on the part of parents.  Laziness does not begin in high school or in college.  Early childhood habits, beliefs, and philosophies determine future behavior.  Homeschoolers are in danger of this just as much as everyone else.  Our entire culture is built around the idea that somehow kids need a break.  From what?  Almost every parent I know has mentioned at least once that their child is an endless source of almost limitless energy.  Why are we so conditioned to waste that?

One little word speaks volumes here.  Expectations.  Children live in a world where we expect absolutely nothing of them with the exception of bad behavior.  They are willing to give us what we expect. 

If you have come this far with me today, I imagine you are now at the point where you are nodding your head, but wondering what in the world you can do about it.  How can you unlock the door that keeps our children slaves to low expectations?  Is there a key to freeing them to a life of joy and meaning?

Good news!  One key unlocks this door, and that key has a label… PURPOSE.  We are all wired to seek purpose in our lives.  God made us to fight for something worthy.  If you don't give your children something worthy to fight for, they will often resort to fighting for meaningless tokens.  A large group of young adults now fight for their right to veg in front of the TV, to smoke if they want to smoke, to tell anyone what they think regardless of their message.  They are drifting in a society that expects them to be belligerent, lazy, and self-centered.  In a nutshell, they are unpurposed.

Instead of drifting with them, parents, anchor your children early in purposeful work. Help them find interesting, meaningful work that gives them responsibility, delight, and the invaluable opportunity to succeed OR fail.  Our generation never experienced the gift of high expectations.  No excuses though, it is our responsibility to give it to our kids.

But what about 'challenging kids'?

I'd suggest that purpose is especially important for challenging kids.  Those kids that stretch you and make you crazy are top candidates for meaningful work.  They have high levels of energy and gifts that may be less obvious that their less 'challenging' counterparts.  However, the psychologists and others who analyze these kids often overlook one critical piece of information.  The energy and unlikely gifts of these kids are more powerful than you can imagine.  Your job is to teach them to use those powers for good.

And guess what?  Your dedication in that mission will not only benefit your child, but you, your family, and your community as well.  Peace in the home is derived from each family member enjoying a purpose, really contributing to something.  Young people are not magically exempt from this timeless truth, no matter what the latest cable TV show tells you.

Young people are not given nearly enough credit for what they bring to the table of life.  Expect great things from your kids.  They may fall short, but they will always reach higher than they would have had they been given mediocre expectations.  Purpose challenges them.  They will stretch themselves, and stretching creates growth.

Now we know why we want to help our kids to a life of purpose.  How, then, do we create this purpose?  The first step is realizing that your role is not that of a creator, but rather that of a guide and sometimes facilitator.  Your child's heart already holds dreams and interests.  Your job is to guide them to the dreams and interests that are meaningful, worthy and within appropriate boundaries for their age and abilities.  They have the spark; you provide the wisdom.

Since this post is growing a mind of its own, I am going to split these ideas up a bit.  In my next post, I am going to share 3 scenarious, based on different ages, of what this looks like in real life.

Image by Kim Hattaway

First, let’s create a backdrop.  Name the top three character qualities you would like to teach your children.  If I asked 50,000 moms this question, homeschooling or otherwise, we would see a range of answers.  One particular trait, though, would make it to most of those lists.  That trait is honesty. 

Would you agree?  Don’t most of us want our children to grow up telling the truth, loving the good, and turning from any kind of deceit?  I do. 

Great, so we have solved the world’s honor problems, right?  If we all want the same thing for our children, then we all must be teaching them the value of honesty.  If they are learning about honesty, they will ultimately choose lives of honor and truth, right?

Sadly, no. 

Today's adults struggle more and more with basic moral choices, in spite of the character curriculums and Sunday school programs that we participated in when we were younger. 

Children aren’t doing any better.   According to surveys conducted by The Josephson Institute of Ethics, 64% of high school students admitted to cheating in 1996. That number just two years later, jumped to 70%.

Homeschooling parents have a unique challenge here.  We work hard to make sure our kids know right from wrong.  We teach them that dishonesty and all of its associated behaviors, including cheating, are wrong.  But, knowing wrong from right doesn’t always matter.

Eric Anderman is a recognized expert on student cheating and professor of educational policy and leadership at Ohio State University.   In one study, Anderman and his colleagues found that 21 percent of students who say that cheating is "unacceptable" still engage in cheating behaviors.  These kids cheat even when then don’t agree with cheating. 

What causes that kind of schism in young people?  More importantly, how do we prevent that type of flawed thinking in our own children?

This is where the secret comes in.

OK, here it is… ready?

Y O U  N E E D  T O  M O D E L  I T!

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  I would guess that you are ready to stick a “not too bright” label on my forehead and move on to your other reading.

Please don’t.

As simple as this concept seems in theory, it is NOT simple in practice.  Let’s do a check.  Have you ever:

As mature adults, we have to make decisions on what our children are ready to hear.  With our more developed judgment, we protect them from situations that may overly tax their emotions or even downright frighten them.  Sometimes, though, our motives aren’t quite so noble.

When we blatantly lie to our children to avoid inconvenience (grocery shopping example,) ask them to lie for us (caller example,) or choose not to rectify passive dishonesty (cashier example,) our children notice that there is no true standard of honesty.  We tell them not to lie, ever.  Then, we show them that we don’t really believe that ourselves. 

Younger children may not be able to verbalize this.  All they do is observe.  As they get older though, they move into the logic stage of learning (dialectic.)  They start to see inconsistencies with alarming clarity.  They are young.   Life is still pretty black and white.  Even if it doesn’t seem like it, they are watching us constantly.  If Mom and Dad do one thing and say another, they’ll pick up on it.  Instead of understanding the nuances that may exist in adult life, their young minds simply see the lie.

Does this mean that we need to be sticklers for exact truth?  Do we need to tell Aunt Martha that we don’t care for the sweater she gave us for Christmas?  Do we tell our children that the neighbors got divorced because the husband was addicted to adult websites?

No. 

We really just need to hold our words up to the light of truth.  Are we being less than honest to spare someone’s feelings or to protect their privacy?  If so, we need to explain that to our children in terms that are appropriate for their age.  If we are being dishonest because it is more convenient for us or because of our own selfishness, then we need to weed out that behavior.

Here are some tips on how to handle the above examples:

Not so honest - This won’t hurt.

Better choice - This will likely hurt, but I know that you can be brave and we will get through this together.

Not so honest - Tell them I’m not home.   

Better choice - Please let them know I can’t make it to the phone right now.  I will get back to the later.

Not so honest - We’ll be done in a minute.

Better choice - We have some work to do before we are done.  You are going to need to be patient until then.

Not so honest - Grandma fell asleep.

Better choice - Grandma had an illness which made her heart sick.  Her heart stopped working properly and she’s passed away.  She was a faithful woman and is with God.  We will miss her very much.

Not so honest - The cookies are gone.

Better choice - You may not have any of the cookies right now.  We only have a few left, and I am saving them.

Not so honest - Too much change is their mistake.

Better choice - Look, that cashier gave me too much change.  She may get in trouble for that when her drawer is counted.  I am going to call the store to let them know.  Next time we go to town, I will drop it off.

You may have even better ideas.  If you do, feel free to post them in the comments. 

So, even if we change our own behavior, does this mean our children will never lie?  Of course not.  By checking our own behavior, though, we are able to remove ourselves as the roadblock to honesty.  Our influence on our children is great and comes with great responsibility.  By exercising that responsibility, we cause a ripple effect on the honesty habits of our children.  Not only do our families reap the benefits, but the future does as well.

Just for fun, I have created a FREE bookmark template.  Print it out on cardstock and use it as a reminder to address honesty situations as they arise in your household.  (Explain the monkeys, too!)

Someone once said that 'failure to plan is planning to fail.'  Homeschooling is no different. Even though we can march to the beat of our own drummer (and let's face it, that's why many of us enjoy it so much:-), we don't want to get so caught up in that march that we forget that there are certain life-tools that have proven their worth over time.  Basic lesson planning - in essence, giving yourself a roadmap – is one such tool. 

Still not convinced?  Here is a quick list of lesson planning benefits that I have put together for you this fine morning:

You will waste less time finding things.  To be organized or not to be organized, that is the question. Regardless of where you stand on the Julie Morgenstern scale, your kids need you to step up and make sure they have the tools they need to learn.  Preparation means that you have those beakers for the chemistry experiment on hand when you need them, so you don't spend half the day driving around town to find them.

You won't be sidetracked with rabbit trails (unless you want to be!)  We are homeschoolers, right?  Do we not love rabbit trails?  You know, the times when your son or daughter becomes so fascinated in a subject that it consumes the household?  Those rabbit trails are some of the most beautiful moments of homeschooling life.  But, it is important to remember that rabbit trails can lead nowhere if they aren't well-managed.  They can also overwhelm you and draw you away from more foundational skills.  Those foundations (you know… basic grammar, math, and spelling) may not be quite as exciting as a rabbit trail to the land of India, but they are still crucial to your homeschool.

You don't get lost (because you know where you are going.)  How do we get anywhere unless we know where we are going?  Homeschooling is at least 12 years of numerous subjects, not to mention life skills and character training.  Having an outline of your journey helps you stay on track.  It also helps you catch any molehills before they become mountains.  Lesson planning keeps you going in the right direction.  It also gives you the flexibility to take on the afore-mentioned rabbit trails with confidence, knowing everything else is still accounted for.

Your expectations are clear.  Good lesson plans give you the opportunity to lay out expectations clearly.  I am not talking about lengthy rubrics (unless you like them.)  Instead, your lesson plans tell you and your kids what is expected of them.  You experience peace in not having to develop and explain an assignment in between blow-drying your hair and your morning coffee (besides, I highly recommend the coffee first;-)  It is also more fair to your children.  They have expectations that are consistent and well-thought out.  No flip-flopping for their mom!  Nope, she knows what she expects, and she communicates that clearly.  Kids need those boundaries so they can concentrate on the work at hand.

Self-Confidence.  I can't tell you how many moms I talk to who are unbelievably unsure of themselves… especially when it comes to homeschooling.  They feel unorganized, not worthy for the task, tired, or worn down from 'negotiating' with their kids.  Planning your lessons is one small step toward building up that skin you need when you homeschool.  Everyone isn't going to support you, we all know that.  But, when you are down on yourself, you can sabotage your entire homeschool experience.  Who then suffers?  That's right, the kids!  So, this week, try to work in a little planning.  See if you don't feel just a bit stronger. 

Planning can't solve all of your problems, create perfect kids, or eliminate world hunger.  What it can do is take away some of the noise of life and allow you to focus on the very reasons you are doing this homeschool thing in the first place… your kids. 

Thought of the day:  When you prepare for life, you glide through a bit easier and a bit saner.